Monday, February 2, 2009

Feeling guilty

I am feeling abit guilty... yesterday our building was being dedicated at 2:30 pm and I decided to take my nap during that time instead. Robert was sick and didn't go to church, and I was still a little sick but it was easier to go to church feeling a little sick then to try to find someone to teach our class. I am still getting over it, mostly just the cough left and it is worse right when I get up and when I go to bed, so during class I didn't think it would be a problem. About 2 pm I got both Samantha and Amber to take a nap and the older girls where watching a movie. I kept thinking that if I didn't take a nap then, I wouldn't be able to take a nap because by the time I got back, the girls would be awake or almost awake. Not to mention, going by MYSELF, sitting by MYSELF, wasn't really appealing to me. (I am such a whiner!!) After the time passed I was really bummed and thought I should have gone and thought it would have been cool to go.

After feeling guilty about yesterday, then today Linsdey and I really butted heads. She is so.... I don't know how to describe it. She really gets in your face, and she yells, and says really mean things like "I don't even like you" and "you don't care about me" and "all you care about is them" and "you are the meanest mom" and "I wish I were never born" kind of things. She doesn't let things go! She keeps repeating herself over and over again. I didn't go grocery shopping on Friday like I normally do because I didn't feel good and Amber was tired. I didn't want to bother with it. I thought I would go on Sat. but that didn't happen either. Now that we are out of milk, cheese, butter, and have nothing for dinner or lunches for the kids tomorrow, I thought I would go today. The kids are out of school today. When we were getting ready to go to the store then the kids were just fighting with each other. I decided I wasn't going to go to the store with 5 girls, 3 of which were fighting, one that was too tired to stay strapped in and one that was sitting in the back of my shopping cart in her car seat taking up grocery room anyway. I thought, forget it! I am not going!! Lindsey kept yelling at me, and telling me all those mean things, as we went to return a movie that was due back yesterday. I tried to be nice, that didn't work, I tried reasoning with her, that didn't work. I was really thinking of just stopping the car and walking home, but I knew that wasn't fair to the others in the car, nor would it really be fair to Lindsey either. She is such a hard one. Lindsey really pushes and fights. She is constantly saying mean things like "you don't love me" and I know she is just saying them. It does make me feel guilty though, it makes me think about the days events... what have I done today to show her I love her? She even today told me, "You don't even like anything I ever got for you! You use the things that Emily and Lauren got for you but not me!!" For Christmas she got me this dog made out of iron (from Walmart) that had bath stuff in it. I put the dog next to my tub and I always tease the girls about it being my bath guard dog, to keep the cat out of my bath (the cat tries to get a drink out of the bath). Emily was trying to tell remind Lindsey of it, but Lindsey wouldn't accept it. Lindsey just kept asking, "Can we please go to the store?" I kept answering her telling her why I wasn't going to. Then two seconds later she was asking again... It makes me think maybe she has some sort of learning disability, does she really not get it? Not to mention that yesterday, Robert and I both at different times called Lindsey's name while she was about 6 feet away, and she claimed to not hear when we got on her for not responding after we addressed her like 5 times. Parent teacher conferences are Wed. for us, so I will talk to her teacher and see if she does that at school too. After the whole afternoon of Lindsey fighting, I feel guilty of not being a better mom. I always feel like I am not doing enough, as I am sure all moms feel. It makes me feel worse though when an angry child tells you that you aren't doing a good enough job, especially when she says things that I often feel so tender about anyway. After we got home Lindsey stomped off to her room. I told her to go to my room, and I just talked to her and held her for a while. I think she felt better, but I didn't really feel any better about my feelings of failure.


The Jones :) said...

That is sad Karla...I wish I had something good to tell you...but I don't. I don't have any experience with that kind of stuff...but I do want you to know that I think you are an AMAZING person...I admire you so much, and I'm so grateful for the comments you leave for me. I seriously don't know how you do all that you do...and obviously we all have our hard days, but you still put on a smile and take on another task. You truly do amaze me, and if I can be like you when I have 5 kids...I will be thoroughly happy!! Keep your chin up and know that you're a great mom. Maybe try having some more one on one time with her...maybe that will help?? Maybe if you just take her to the store with you she'd appreciate that?? I don't know...just some ideas. I wish I lived closer to you still so I could come visit and give you a hug!! But know that you're loved by me!!

wendy said...

Ditto to what Becky said, Karla. You are amazing. Kids somehow figure out what to say that will really push our buttons. I love that you sent her to your room for some time together.

Jamie said...

it's hard because when they are being most unlovable they need our love the most. I have watched you for several years now and I KNOW you are a wonderful mother. You keep your voice so calm in situations where I would NOT. You allow them to be themselves and figure things out on their own. You spend so much of your time and energy doing for them as a good mother should which is what you are. Those are the moments that make us doubt though, when we feel lost and out of ideas. hang in there sistah' your're the best!