With tears in my eyes...

I feel much like Judy as she posted her thoughts on the changes of her RS calling and how she was having a hard time. Many years ago, we decided to move, started packing things up and then decided it wasn't time or that it wasn't a good thing anymore. Now, 2 kids later and many more friends... we are faced with that same problem... house too small, kids getting bigger.... It is time to move.

How I wish this day would never come... I thought maybe if I got all this "good bye" stuff out of the way I can emotionally move on and get things going here that I need to do. Even though I didn't want to face this day, I knew realistically it would happen someday since our house is just too small for us. We have been here for 8 years, when we got the house it was great for us, we had 3 bedrooms and one little baby. Then we had twins which stretched things out a bit but then we gained possession over the basement apartment. Now 2 more babies later we are bursting out of this house. I can't ever seem to be organized or find the things I have "stored" away. If we could dig ourselves a basement under our house that might fix our space issue, but I don't know how safe that would be or sane. I feel so blessed that we are financially in a spot to do this, and be able to upgrade our house to a newer and bigger model. In times of hearing of job loss and financial hardships, I feel we are as Nephi said, "Favored of the Lord..." (I guess those bigger than I wanted to make donations to the friends of scouting paid off.)

My mind is racing, I am not sure how to get anything out there... except that I sure love this area! I love all the neighbors here and friends we have made. I feel like I still haven't made all the friends here that I wanted to. I keep thinking of this one or that one that I didn't get to know as well as I wanted to. Every time we have talked about moving, I just keep thinking it wasn't time or it wasn't a good enough place to go... being spoiled with our abundance space in our backyard and such a wonderful street with lots of kids for our girls to play with... and the amazing friends I have here.

It brings me back to that exciting and scary time when I moved to Utah. I remember packing up all my stuff in a u-haul trailer. Looking at the trailer and thinking, what am I doing? Is this what I should be doing? It was so "bittersweet" because I was moving to Utah to get married to my best friend and start a family which I had so longed to do, but on the flip side I was leaving all I ever knew behind. Even growing up, I never moved or had much change in my life like this. I did move out of my parents house after school ended, but that was just a few miles away. I was leaving all my family behind and was really scared, yet excited all together. I remember too that Robert couldn't come get me so he sent his best friend and his wife to come get me and my trailer of stuff. I wanted to cry my eyes out the whole way here... but didn't want to because of the company I was with. Saying bye to my parents and family was so hard. Coming to a new place in my life which would strengthen me. I felt like I was leaving one life, and starting a whole new one.

Since then, we have moved a few times, but we hadn't stayed anywhere long enough to really be too attached. I am feeling pretty attached here, so this is really tough for me. I am excited to get in a bigger house that has room for our family, but wish we could just pick up that new house and drop it down on this house and stay put. Does anyone know how to do that?

I really don't look forward to starting all over in a new ward or in a new neighborhood. I don't like change really. The one thing that makes it seem easier is that we are keeping our house on 550 W to rent out, so we will be here from time to time to maintain the yard or what not. It will give us a good reason to come back often I guess. Of course it won't be the same as living here though.

I don't even know how to say good bye... I think of certain ones that I have really gotten to know well. I am afraid I can't and won't be able to even say good bye since I get so emotional, I am crying now thinking about it all. I have to stay positive and be strong for my girls though. Especially Emily, she has been excited to move until we told her we got the house and we are moving, then all of a sudden she wasn't so excited. She started getting all sad about leaving her friends. I know she will shed tears, and I will sob with her too.

I think about the callings I have had here, the people I have served with, the people I love here, the youth which some are not youth anymore that I served and so love. Sometimes I think how selfish I am being, going through this move, it is just a move. I think of those who have suffered great trials and yet I am whining about moving to a newer house, that I picked out and decided to do. I guess I should just "cowboy up" and get over it. I am too weak to I guess. Maybe if I would stop being so dramatic and just move forward it would be easier, but I haven't learned to do things that way. Instead I have to complain and whine and compare everything and look back to things that might have been or should have been or could have been... instead of focusing on the future.

I sure will miss everyone here.... I will miss the relationships I have made, will be sad to leave those I love and those that have done so much for me and my family. I always pictured us living here forever. I know this move will strengthen me and my family. Hopefully make my girls come closer together and help them realize how important families are, and how sisters can be best friends too. (Although I probably didn't figure that out until mich later in my life.) Maybe now that I have gotten this off my mind, I can get some things done around here. I have been just so foggy minded... trying to figure out how to announce this news to everyone. It's not really something I feel I can just say, "Hi there, we are moving! We bought a new house!" I am excited to move, excited but with tears in my eyes.